PIPPY LANE

Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

I think that expectation is one of the biggest things that can cause problems in a marriage or in life in general. If you think about it, life and love is full of expectations. From the moment we wake up in the morning to the time we go to sleep, we are meeting expectations.

The more I talk to people about their relationships and marriages, I realize that some people have a lot of things expected of them that is exhausting and stressful. For example, I have a friend that agreed when she married her husband that she would always cook every meal and that they would rarely eat out. For over twenty years she did exactly that with having five children. Now that her family is raised she definitely enjoys eating out and not cooking as much, but she still cooks on a regular basis. She is an angel for many reasons. Another example is expecting your spouse or significant other to dress a certain way and have a certain appearance. It is very specific to each couple what expectations are expected of each other. A big issue that can cause HUGE problems is money. Who pays bills, how much can you spend and save? Do you keep money together or separate? You get the idea. I won’t keep naming examples but when those expectations are not talked about and instead, assumed, It can be a deal breaker or cause for a very unhappy couple.

I definitely believe in expectations in relationships and marriage. I think that they need to be talked about, flexible and agreed upon by both partners. If you truly love your spouse, you will take their feelings into consideration. I feel that expectations, when done together and not in a controlling way, can enhance your love and will make your relationship stronger and stable.

I have been married for twenty-six years and let me tell you, we have battled over expectations. In my experience, our battle hasn’t been because we don’t consider each other’s feelings, but because we didn’t talk about them before we got married. We didn’t lay the foundation to be able to have healthy boundaries and expectations with each other. As a young married couple we thought we would just always figure it out as life happened and all would fall into place. Listen to me! Don’t be nieve to believe that if you love each other that you will always be happy. Life is hard and it can hit hard. I am just being raw and honest here. Obviously the ideal time to talk about expectations is while your dating and before you get married. This will put you at such an advantage to have a successful relationship and marriage. I am in no way saying that this will happen over night and that BOOM, your going to sit down with your spouse and have it all figured out in two hours. It may be a work in progress and that is very ok. Take the time to perfect it. Take the time to change things if something isn’t working. One thing about expectations is that they can change depending on your scenario. For example, if you are the person in your house that always gets up first and makes breakfast for your family and you have a new baby on the way and you are going to probably be up several times a night feeding the baby and doing what all new parents do, it might be a good idea to talk about the expectation of you still doing that once the baby arrives. These expectations can be put on hold, changed, thrown out the window or what ever you make of them.

Expectations can come in many forms and are specific to each person. What is important to one person may not be important to another. It is helpful to identify which expectations will be most important. If that expectation can’t be met, how will that affect the relationship? Will it cause anger? Animosity? Jealousy? Feelings of being unnoticed or unimportant? I know this may seem deep and scary. It is at times. But I promise once your freely talking about these things you will be glad that you did.

In a relationship, from my experience and viewpoint, you should never be expected to change who you are unless it’s for the better. If expectations are being asked of you that make you feel like less of a person, embarrassed or humiliated or degraded in any way it should definitely be evaluated and you should consider looking at the motive of your significant other or spouse. Putting unreasonable expectations on a person can be abusive and controlling. There is a healthy balance. You should always feel free to talk about changing an expectation if one person is stressing out trying to meet it. The idea of expectations is to make life easier so your more content in your relationship.

10 Expectations To Discuss:

1. Will you keep your money together or separate? Be specific as to what that means to each of you.
2. Will you be a one or two income family? Especially after kids.
3. Who will be in charge of paying bills?
4. Do you want kids? How many? It is a big problem if one person wants six kids and the other one wants one kid.
5. How soon after baby arrives will mom go back to work?
6. Will we have pets?
7. What are each other’s sexual expectations? Waiting until marriage?
8. Who will do the household chores and will one person be expected to do specific ones?
9. Will we loan money to friends or family? This can be a problem if before your relationship one person was generous with helping others while the other one doesn’t feel comfortable continuing that way.
10. How involved in each other’s family will you be? Will you be included like one of the family or be expected to just go along with things.

I hope this has given you something to think about and you feel it was helpful. Be blessed!

So, your getting married. The time has come to plan the wedding of your dreams and profess your love in front of family and friends. Sounds easy enough right? Well, it can be. It can also very quickly turn into the most stressful time of your life.

You may know exactly what you want for your wedding or you may be feeling very overwhelmed with all of the decisions that have to be made. You will probably find that there is a lot more that goes into planning a wedding than you thought, but if you focus you will conquer it all!

Before we talk about the things that will help you plan, I want to encourage you and your soon to be spouse to stay true to yourselves with what you want for your wedding. I have seen so many wedding plans get so complicated and confusing because the Bride and Grooms family or friends think that their ideas should be incorporated into the wedding. Now, I am not saying that you shouldn’t ask for help or take suggestions from your friends or family. I am saying that if you are going to plan according to what other people think you should do, there will be regrets on your end. I know how hard it can be to speak your opinions especially if you are a non-confrontational person and also when someone else is helping pay for your wedding. The truth of the matter is that if a person is pushing their opinions about your wedding onto you and they use the threat of them paying for your wedding as a way to get what they want, then they really do not have your best interest at heart. Standing firm in what you want as a couple for your wedding is a great start to boosting your marriage.

Now, the fun stuff! Yay! Here are some things that may be helpful when planning your wedding.

• Hire a planner! Just do it! A planner has insights for you and also has relationships with vendors. Also, this is a great way to keep your wedding true to what you want. The planner will be there for you and will run everything by you so that things don’t get thrown into the planning that you don’t want.

• Start a wedding folder. This is a great way to keep track of your ideas. Look through bridal and food magazines for inspiration on what you think you might want.

• Pick your wedding party. Decide who you want to stand with you as you say your “I Do’s.” Everyone will be excited and will want to know who your going to ask. Again, think about the big picture. In ten years, when you look at your wedding pictures, who do you want to see standing there with you? Who will support your marriage? Who can you not imagine getting married without? Don’t take this lightly. You will find it is more important than you might think.

• Budget. Everyone knows that a wedding is expensive. Be realistic. Use your resources and figure out what is most important to you to spend your money on. This will be different for every couple. It’s a personal preference. Some couples will want to spend more on the ceremony than the reception. Others will want the opposite. Some couples may want to spend more on real flowers instead of fake flowers. There are lots of ways to cut the expense if needed.

• Make a guest list. Invite people you want at your wedding and not people that you feel obligated to invite. Remember this is about you, not them. If you haven’t talked to Cousin Sue in 10 years, you probably do not need to invite them. More people doesn’t always make it a better wedding. If you are on a tight budget, as painful as it may seem, if you reduce the amount of guests you invite, the less the cost.

• Reserve a date and venues. This can be overwhelming as you need to decide if you want to have the wedding and the reception at the same location or if it is best to do it at separate locations. It is best to try to not have a lot of travel time between the two locations if you decide on separate location.

• Hire florists, caterers, bands, photographers, babysitters for children at wedding. It is important to do this as soon as you know the date of your wedding as a lot of these professionals are booked months, sometimes a year in advance.

• Reserve hotel rooms for out of town guests. Typically, find hotels that are close to the reception so people don’t have far to go. Especially if alcohol is involved.

• Hire a designated driver. If you are going to be serving alcohol at your reception, you can hire someone to make sure your guests get home or to their hotel room safely.

• Register. Pick two or three of your favorite retailers and register so that you can be blessed with gifts from your guests.

• Purchase a dress. Of course!

• Shop for bridesmaids’ dresses. You should do this at least 6 months in advance in case the dresses have to be ordered or need any alterations.

• Meet with the officiant. The efficient will help confirm all legal documentation that you will need and also help you design your ceremony and what will take place on the day of the wedding.

• Arrange any transportation. If you are needing limos, minibuses, trolleys, cars, horse and buggy, etc… the sooner you figure this out the better.

• Book the rehearsal and rehearsal-dinner venues. This can simple or fancy.

• Order a cake. Attend several tastings. Good tasting cake is everything!
  
• Hire a hair and make-up artist. Look for someone that is good at the style you are trying to achieve. Someone can be a great hair stylist or make-up artist but not good at the look you specifically want. This is much easier if you know what you want to look like on your wedding day.

• Choose Music. Create a list of music to be played during your wedding and reception. If there is something that you do not want to be played make sure to include that.

I am sure there are other things that can be added to the list above but hopefully this will help you with your decision making that can seem so overwhelming when planning a wedding. Take it one step at a time and remember to be true to you and make this your special day, the way you want it to be. I hope if you are getting married soon, that you have the wedding of your dreams and have a fantastic time.

I also want to say that if the big fancy wedding is not for you, think about a destination wedding or a very small ceremony with a few people attending of your choosing and then have one heck of a reception to celebrate. What ever your taste or style is, enjoy and be blessed. Happy weddings everyone! I would love to hear your wedding story. Please feel free to comment.

Hey there! I am not an expert in marriage by any means, but I have been married for twenty-six years. I met my husband when I was too young, at fifteen years old. So we have traveled a lot of road together and I am here to tell you that marriage is not always a walk the park. There are lots of highs and lots of lows. You have to die to self and fight to stay alive in this world today where it is very much the norm to get a divorce if you get ticked off at your spouse. It is easy to give up.

Being a young bride at nineteen, I had no idea what I was doing. I thought I did. But I didn’t. It’s so easy to think that life will be a bowl of cherries and that love will get you through anything. It’s true, it may, but it’s hard and ugly sometimes. You have to have stamina and commitment. I am about to share my personal struggles and triumphs along the way and why my husband and I choose to say “I love you, but I don’t like you”.

Some of my opinions are probably different from some brides that were older when they married, but maybe not. I am not here to judge anyone or make anyone else view marriage the same way I do. I hope to be able to encourage anyone that may feel or be experiencing the things I talk about.

We were married when I was nineteen, he was twenty-three. Yes, that was a huge age gap for the age we both were at, which is one reason we dated for four years before marriage. And still, looking back I know we weren’t really mature enough to be a healthy married couple. We did it though! Come hell or high water we were going to make it work and prove everyone wrong that we weren’t too young. Well, so far we have succeeded, but not without bumps along way.

Due to me having Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and Endometriosis, we had our children right away. My husband had absolutely no experience with children and I absolutely believed I was born to be a Mom and that was the most important thing for me to accomplish in this life. He of course wanted me to be happy and he did want children as well, but we really weren’t prepared for what was going to hit us financially or emotionally. We hadn’t talked about raising kids, paying for kids, birthing kids, educating kids, etc. You get the point. We were so young and really were in our own world. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not resentful at all that I had my girls young. I just know that some struggles wouldn’t have been there if me and their Dad had been a little bit smarter or maybe I should have been more thoughtful and more of a planner. I can talk about all the things I should have done but I am not going to bore you with that. I am glad I have the experiences I have and everything happens for a reason.

My husband was not established in a career when our first daughter was born and jumped from job to job trying to figure out the best way to support his family. I stayed home with the baby as we couldn’t afford childcare. I ended up doing daycare and teaching childbirth classes to help ends meet, but oh how the struggle was real. Three years after my first daughter was born we welcomed a second daughter. As much as I don’t like to admit it, lack of money caused a lot of problems between us. We didn’t have two nickels to rub together half the time and it was stressful. We were late on our bills, we used food pantries, I was angry that we let ourselves get into this situation and for many years the anger engulfed me and the person I used to be was gone. I became so focused on how to survive every day that I forgot about uplifting each other and our marriage. My husband felt guilty and frustrated all the time so times were difficult. It became easy to be frustrated or angry with each other and not extend grace to each other like we did before we were married. This is still one of our struggles today after almost 27 years.

I feel like when we are young and seeking a mate we look at life through rose colored glasses. I know I felt like we could conquer the world and as long as we had each other, we could get through anything. God tested me with this attitude. My husband was working construction and got hurt on the job. We went through eight years of work comp. People think work comp is great, but insurance companies starve you out, which means they don’t pay you and make you take them to court to get money to live off of. I practically had a nervous break down several times during this time frame. I had my girls that made me get up every day and work my butt off to provide for us as my husband had five surgeries in four years. The struggle was so real. Pain changed my husband. He wasn’t the man I married. He wasn’t fun and easy going any more. He became depressed and angry. It was during this time in our life that I had to say to him, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” That’s a hard truth. He was my best friend, gave me two beautiful children and dang it, we had plans for our family. One thing is for sure… God’s plans are usually different from our own. Looking back now, I am thankful that God knew what he was doing because we sure didn’t. Nobody really knew how bad it was for us. Over time we lost our home, became isolated and no longer wanted to socialize and spent every waking moment surviving each day. We didn’t like each other anymore and yet we had to depend on each other to survive. Neither of us would give up on the other even though there were so many harsh feelings. I know I married this man for great, fantastic reasons and qualities, but life had beaten us down so mush that we seeing the negative way before the positive. The struggle was real.

I write these struggles specifically to let you know that marriage can get dark. Very dark. It can also be wonderful and fabulous. In my case, I feel like I was extremely young at fifteen years old to even be able to comprehend the magnitude of what it meant to be a wife and to know what I would want in a spouse. Keep in mind here, that I am not bashing my husband. He is a good man and a great father that would die for us girls. The issue is that I didn’t know what to look for. What was my type? Yes, I thought my husband was very handsome and was a great person, but that can’t be the main reasons you get into a relationship. A person can be a great person but that doesn’t mean they are your match. Also, I don’t think he knew what he wanted, we were just attracted to each other and had fun driving around in his car and shopping together, so in my mind, we got along fine. We never took the opportunity or knew to take the opportunity to really dig deep into who each other was. I feel like I ended up forming to be who he wanted and not totally becoming who I was meant to be. Being totally honest and real with you, it is still one of our biggest struggles in our marriage.

I encourage everyone, no matter what age you are, to listen to the opinions of the more wise before you make the life long commitment to marriage and to be totally honest with yourself and to your possible spouse with what your wants, needs and criteria are for marriage. If you want six kids and your possible spouse only wants two, that is a problem. Discuss money! You don’t have to be rich but you both will be much happier if your on the same page about who’s making the money, how much money you need to live off of, how much money to save and spend, etc… Talk about raising kids, does your spouse expect you to cook, clean or massage feet? Even the little things can turn into big things. The big things can turn into little things if talked about between you and consideration is made for each other. Communicate, even if it hurts. Another thing my husband and I say is “I would rather hurt you honestly, that hurt you with a lie.” It’s in life’s darkest moments that reveal our true selfs. “I love you, but I don’t like you.” is our way of expressing unhappiness to each other without degrading or using more hurtful words that would be hard to recover from. I hope you find hope and encouragement in this post and be blessed. Please let me know what you do in your marriage to stay happy and considerate of each other.