November, 2019 | PIPPY LANE

It is that time of year again. Thanksgiving is a week away and the majority of people are thinking about al the things they are thankful for and reminiscing over the past year. Maybe you are thankful for your healthy family or your new job. Maybe it’s something more simple like a shower or a warm bed to sleep in, food in your belly, the friends that support you and care about you, your pets, the new car you just got. The list could go on and on. Everyone is thankful for their own individual reasons. I personally love to hear what everyone is thankful for each year. Being thankful isn’t just for the young or the old, or the richest or the poorest. Everyone, hopefully can find thanks in something no matter where your at in life.

Although I do believe everyone can find thanks in something no matter where they are at in life, I also want to point out that the holidays can stir up some not so happy emotions. If you have lost a loved one, have no family or had bad experiences during the holidays, then being jolly and cheerful during this time of year may be a struggle. A lot of people have trouble celebrating without the people that help make their traditions. It is hard and heartbreaking. It can cause people to be secluded and feel alone. In some cases people may feel suicidal. Personally, it has been a rough, hard year for me and my family. Both my Mother-In-Law, Father-In-Law passed away six months apart from each other, family feuds, pets have been lost, health issues reared it’s ugly head for both me and my husband and hard times have happened. I definitely feel it this holiday season.

I feel like people have a hard time letting their family and friends know when they are “not happy” during the holidays or are really struggling. It’s suppose to be the happiest time of year right? So you don’t want to be the Grinch with the bad attitude and ruin everyone else’s jolly spirit right? There definitely needs to be a healthy balance of being able to be allowed to be a little sad or not in the holiday mood. I personally think that if you are truly feeling like you can’t attend the tenth holiday gathering in two weeks, then just be honest with who ever invited you and also with yourself. Let them know that you are working on dealing with some things and that you need to politely decline, but would love to catch up with them at a later date that is good for both of you. Just make sure you don’t let anxiety win and you end up isolating yourself too much and then feeling even more alone or sad than before.

Friends and family usually want to step in when they know that you are feeling blue during the holidays. Sometimes that is a blessing and other times it’s not. Keep in mind that they may not know how to help you get through your feelings. It is hard to know what to say or do when someone is dealing with depression or stress that makes them feel so low. If someone is offering to help, don’t be afraid to speak up about what your needs are. This way, there is no more guessing and it isn’t as awkward. Nothing like feeling like the big, pink elephant in the room and everyone is silent, not knowing what to say. That in itself is exhausting.

Another thing to avoid is do not intentionally put yourself into situations that are going to stir up emotions that will hit you like a ton bricks. For instance, if your spouse passes away and you had a special song that the two of you considered to be “your song,” it probably isn’t a good idea for you to have that song played at the party your going to throw so you don’t spend the night alone watching Hallmark Channel. If you want to play that song after everyone has left when you can freely sob and cry your eyes out until there are no more tears left, then do it! Guard your heart. I understand needing to hear it because it meant the world to you, but make sure your in a safe place with yourself emotionally.

It is very helpful for me to have one or two people that are my rocks. I can call them any time, day or night, I can cry, yell or vent, however I need too. They love me enough to love me through what ever I am going through. Find your people and use them when you are sinking. Always repay the favor back of course when you are in a better place and they are in need.

Holiday blues mean something different for everyone. Everyone has their feelings and they are what they are. We can’t always control them, unfortunately. It sure would make life so much better if we could don’t you think? Ha Ha. Heck, even when there are not a lot of holiday blues or family drama, the holidays can be stressful all on their own. You can’t always control rather or not it is a good scenario for you to be in but sometimes you can. Think about your needs to get through the holidays and start fresh next year.

I am going to end on a thankful note that I am blessed beyond measure with my friends and family, two little dogs, a cat and a turtle. I love the holidays but will definitely be missing my loved ones that are in Heaven this year. I still hear their voices and see their faces clearly every day. They want me to have joy in life so that is what I am going to do while missing them and loving them from afar. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas and feel loved and hopeful through it all. Please share any thoughts you may have on this. Always love to hear tips and tricks that you use to not have the holiday blues.

Expectations, Life and Love

by Kari Grady / November 21, 2019

Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

I think that expectation is one of the biggest things that can cause problems in a marriage or in life in general. If you think about it, life and love is full of expectations. From the moment we wake up in the morning to the time we go to sleep, we are meeting expectations.

The more I talk to people about their relationships and marriages, I realize that some people have a lot of things expected of them that is exhausting and stressful. For example, I have a friend that agreed when she married her husband that she would always cook every meal and that they would rarely eat out. For over twenty years she did exactly that with having five children. Now that her family is raised she definitely enjoys eating out and not cooking as much, but she still cooks on a regular basis. She is an angel for many reasons. Another example is expecting your spouse or significant other to dress a certain way and have a certain appearance. It is very specific to each couple what expectations are expected of each other. A big issue that can cause HUGE problems is money. Who pays bills, how much can you spend and save? Do you keep money together or separate? You get the idea. I won’t keep naming examples but when those expectations are not talked about and instead, assumed, It can be a deal breaker or cause for a very unhappy couple.

I definitely believe in expectations in relationships and marriage. I think that they need to be talked about, flexible and agreed upon by both partners. If you truly love your spouse, you will take their feelings into consideration. I feel that expectations, when done together and not in a controlling way, can enhance your love and will make your relationship stronger and stable.

I have been married for twenty-six years and let me tell you, we have battled over expectations. In my experience, our battle hasn’t been because we don’t consider each other’s feelings, but because we didn’t talk about them before we got married. We didn’t lay the foundation to be able to have healthy boundaries and expectations with each other. As a young married couple we thought we would just always figure it out as life happened and all would fall into place. Listen to me! Don’t be nieve to believe that if you love each other that you will always be happy. Life is hard and it can hit hard. I am just being raw and honest here. Obviously the ideal time to talk about expectations is while your dating and before you get married. This will put you at such an advantage to have a successful relationship and marriage. I am in no way saying that this will happen over night and that BOOM, your going to sit down with your spouse and have it all figured out in two hours. It may be a work in progress and that is very ok. Take the time to perfect it. Take the time to change things if something isn’t working. One thing about expectations is that they can change depending on your scenario. For example, if you are the person in your house that always gets up first and makes breakfast for your family and you have a new baby on the way and you are going to probably be up several times a night feeding the baby and doing what all new parents do, it might be a good idea to talk about the expectation of you still doing that once the baby arrives. These expectations can be put on hold, changed, thrown out the window or what ever you make of them.

Expectations can come in many forms and are specific to each person. What is important to one person may not be important to another. It is helpful to identify which expectations will be most important. If that expectation can’t be met, how will that affect the relationship? Will it cause anger? Animosity? Jealousy? Feelings of being unnoticed or unimportant? I know this may seem deep and scary. It is at times. But I promise once your freely talking about these things you will be glad that you did.

In a relationship, from my experience and viewpoint, you should never be expected to change who you are unless it’s for the better. If expectations are being asked of you that make you feel like less of a person, embarrassed or humiliated or degraded in any way it should definitely be evaluated and you should consider looking at the motive of your significant other or spouse. Putting unreasonable expectations on a person can be abusive and controlling. There is a healthy balance. You should always feel free to talk about changing an expectation if one person is stressing out trying to meet it. The idea of expectations is to make life easier so your more content in your relationship.

10 Expectations To Discuss:

Will you keep your money together or separate? Be specific as to what that means to each of you.
Will you be a one or two income family? Especially after kids.
Who will be in charge of paying bills?
Do you want kids? How many? It is a big problem if one person wants six kids and the other one wants one kid.
How soon after baby arrives will mom go back to work?
Will we have pets?
What are each other’s sexual expectations? Waiting until marriage?
Who will do the household chores and will one person be expected to do specific ones?
Will we loan money to friends or family? This can be a problem if before your relationship one person was generous with helping others while the other one doesn’t feel comfortable continuing that way.
How involved in each other’s family will you be? Will you be included like one of the family or be expected to just go along with things.

I hope this has given you something to think about and you feel it was helpful. Be blessed!