PIPPY LANE

The battle is real. Do you ever find yourself holding you back? I see it in myself all the time. I get in my own head and play these stupid head games. I ask myself a million “What if” questions. I procrastinate if I am not 100% sure. The need to get it right the first time is always the way I seem to look at things. But I am human, not God. I will make mistakes and bad decisions along the way. Why can’t I stop my brain from running a hundred miles a minute? Am I self sabotaging on purpose? If I am honest, I probably do. Some days I am just tired of the struggles. Then there are other days that I am on fire and ready to take on the world.

I often wonder if I broke free from myself and all the self doubt and self sabotage, if I would recognize myself. Would my friends and family still like me? What would my personality be like? Would it be different at all? If I broke fee would it be an internal change within myself or external? Maybe both? The unknown is scary, but can be exciting. I feel like in order to survive successfully in this crazy world we live in today, we have to break free from ourselves and live and learn as changes happen among the generations after us and how quickly technology changes. Also learning to take chances on ourselves and others and to trust that change can be good and empowering rather it be something were comfortable with or not.

It’s been awhile since I have posted anything. I do apologize for that. I have felt like the title of this post. I think I might be struggling with some anxiety and/or depression. I have always been such a happy person that this is something that I am uncomfortable with admitting and also feel like a brat for this struggle because I really am a blessed woman.

I wake up each morning feeling unsettled. My heart flutters with heart palpitations and I wonder what my purpose is. Why is life so hard? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do people die the way they do? Why am I not motivated to clean my house or socialize with friends? Why? Why? Why? I have what seems to be a thousand questions rolling around in my head and my brain never stops. Even though I want it to.

I often feel like everything is difficult and I feel like I am walking through mud. My body is slow and weighted down with worry. I don’t even always know what I am worried about. When I say everything is difficult, I am referring to simple things, such as getting ready for the day, remembering where my keys are, dropping things, forgetting things and feeling frustrated. What I do know, is that this year has been a hard year for our family. My Father-In-Law and my Mother-In-Law both passed away, about 6 months apart. My husband has had some serious health problems that is causing us to have some lifestyle changes, which isn’t totally a bad thing. It’s causing us to eat way better and be more aware of the fact that we aren’t 18 any more. I am also having some health issues and some days it just feels like a lot.

I am not one to run to the doctor and ask for medication all the time. I do wonder if I need to ask for help to deal with the emotional roller coaster that I find myself on most days. I grew up with a very depressed mom and I don’t want to end up like her. She would sit and cry for hours and wouldn’t know why she was crying. Or at least that is what she would tell me. I remember wanting to make life better for her, but she was never satisfied, so it seemed. I decided at an early age that I didn’t want to ever feel the way my Mom felt on a regular basis. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not sitting around crying all the time. But there are times that I feel it sneaking up on me. It is scary and I have to remember self care, which is hard for me.

As I grow older, I find that I am wanting a simple life with less worries, less stress and less drama. I am sure there are so many other people that feel the same way. I don’t want to be too proud or embarrassed to ask for help if needed. I want to be the best me I can be.

I want to express something. In all of my troubles and heartache this year, I know I am blessed. I know there is a God. I know that people love me. I know I am a fighter and I will get through this. I know I have to grieve and find my own happy places and grow as a person. Is it easy? No! It’s hard, it’s ugly sometimes, but I am hoping to something hard and ugly into something bold and beautiful. There comes a time when you have to dig deep down into the bottom of your empty soul and slowly start filling it up again with the things that will bring you clarity and joy. I love the word “joy.” It’s such a little word. But boy is it a mighty word. Just think about that for a minute. I imagine all the categories that can go under the word “joy.” What brings you joy? What do you need to dig deep about?

I will overcome these feelings that are overwhelming me right now. I hope to do it naturally and through being real with myself. However, I will refuse to sink and if I need help, I will seek it. Life has so many unexpected twists and turns, both good and bad. Remember you don’t have to be perfect. It’s ok to be transparent with someone you feel safe with. If you are “walking through the mud,” know that you are not alone and don’t try to handle your feelings all alone. Talk to someone you are comfortable with. I am hearing too many stories of people taking their life. My heart breaks if you are thinking of this as an option. I am here if anyone needs to talk, pray, cry, yell or vent. Reach out. Don’t do anything to hurt yourself.

Please comment as to how you deal with “walking through the mud.” I will list ways that have helped me. I am so interested to hear from people on this topic. I am glad you read this and I hope you have a blessed day.

Kari’s Helpful Tips To A Happier You:

• Lay in bed a few minutes before getting up to just breathe and do positive self talk. Take deep breaths. Slow breaths, in your nose and out your mouth.
• Make a list of what you are doing for the day. Once your list is accomplished… Relax. Do something you enjoy.
• Get some fresh air. It’s good for the soul.
• Eat well balanced meals.
• Exercise. It helps clear your mind.
• Ask for help
• Touch base with one person each day to talk about how your feeling.
• Remember, there is always tomorrow.